yep, i am begging.

oh and hay. would you share this?



Dear Mr. B

Dear Mr. Bowden,
It has taken me over 20 years to write this letter. I was in drama for the 3 years I was high school in the early 80s. I acted very little when it came down to it. I allowed my dyslexia to keep me from many things and having a big part in a play was one of them. I would perform from time to time, but to be honest I did not like acting I was not sure why until just recently, but I will get to that later.
I went on to become am Early Childhood Educator. I would use the skills I learn in 1-3rd year drama to tell stories to play! The child has innate skill to go inside the place that is imagination, that is open fields and flowers or tow trucks or cops and robbers or house or school. Most people lose that when they grow up. but if you were blessed enough to have some drama classes then you might be able to connect with that holy place. As I watched them play. really, really play without any bullshit adult interference. they went to a place that is holy, sacred and real.

I used the skills you taught me to be a parent, sometimes during play, using voices when reading or telling a bedtime story. But mostly I would use it when I was holding tightly on to my very sanity when they were going “2-year-old ape shit” in Kroger. I do two things, I look for the light of G*D that is always close, and then I step into it. I let the light fill me. Then I become the mother that I wish to be. I see that light because you taught me how to look for it i feel the light because you taught me how to find the feeling deep inside.

I could go on, but I wont.

The reason I am writing this letter is because I realized a few weeks ago why I did not really like performing in plays. I wanted to tell my stories. not someone else’s. That is what I do now, I write, here on my blog, I write and preach sermons, and guess what? I am good at it. Every time I am on the pulpit. From the way I put on my makeup. To the ability to hold in my arms the loving embrace the congregation. I learned from you.

People have asked me where did you learn to do that?
How come you just stand there and people stop talking and wait for you to say something?
To tell stories in a way that holds the child attention?
How do you stand up there straight and Tall?
Why does it seem like you “own” the pulpit?
When you looking into the eyes of the congregation, how can you tell the stories you do, sometimes even crying and yet, you are able to hold it together to get the point across?
How are you able to share deep from your heart, sometimes deeper from your very soul and touch them?

The answers to these questions very. From just being open to what the Divine in me has to say, and trusting the Divine to do that. It is looking at the congregation, not as a classroom or an audience, but as holy entity, every. one. a soul that is open and ready to hear and share.

The other answer is that I took 3 years of drama in high school
I stayed in high school because of drama. Because of the friends that I made, some of whom I am still close today. I stayed in high school, because of a teacher who sometimes smoked his pen and told me that “feeling are not right or wrong they just are”
It is because I had a teacher who saw me as not just a student, but a fellow soul on the same beautiful, scary, fun, fucked up journey that is LIFE.

Today, Mr B. My husband and I went to a local university to get information and the paper work to get my bachelor in Religious Studies. I am going to be a preacher and a story-teller. Not a scary one! LOL, but the kind that just loves, that will speak for those with out voice, children, the poor, the ill, the unwanted the unloved and even the unlovable.

I am not planing on becoming a minister at a church. I plan, ( i should say that I feel called) to minister to the different and the other, maybe that is a prison. or hospice. or even just on the streets of Portland. Just sharing to the masses that G*d loves them period, No matter who they love, no matter what they have done, that they are saved by grace that is for everyone. EVERYONE.

I am 48 years old. I have three kids from age 14 to 6 all in private school. with me, that will be 4 tuitions. Holy Shit!! I am going back to school. WE have no idea where the money will come from. I suspect that the Divine has that under control. I know I can do this. I know I will not only get though it, I will succeed. because I got though high school. The real, very real truth is that it is because of you.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

In faith,
Class of 84


so, today is my birthday.
i am 49
that means that next year i will be 50
my parents did not live long enough to see me turn 50.
both died of lung cancer.
my dad was 70 when he died
my mom was 71
dad started smoking at 12, i think.
mom did stop smoking when i was young, but she lived with a smoker her whole adult life.
mom had me in her 20s.
she should have seen me turn 50.

my hope and prayer is that i live to see my children turn 50.
who knows? it could happen.
i will be 92 when the Woman-cub turns 50.
so. yeah.

bad mommy

well, i suck at following though with the momma threats.
some back-story:
Man-cub 13 sleeps like the dead. it takes a an act of congress to get the boy up and out of bed. really. i wish i could just go in, turn on the lights and bang on a metal trash can. but alas, Man-cub 15 does not need to wake up for another 30 min. and i do not want to wake him up.
a typical morning:
7:15 mother gets up, pee.
7:20 wake up the Woman-cub 7. 7, gets up. gets bfast. go into the boy’s room rub 13’s back, say “its time to wake” up the MC-13 he grunts or says “imsotired”
7:25: feed WC-7.
7:30: mother go into boys room, rub 13s back more vigorously say: “time to wake up MC-13”
7:35 repeat
7:40 repeat
7:45 repeat
7:50 MC-13 crawls out of room, wrapped in covers. goes to couch. mother brings bfast to MC-13 who is now asleep on the couch.
7:55 mother tells MC-13 to finish the frosted flakes, get dressed.
7:00 repeat whilst putting school stuff in backpack
7:05 repeat standing by door either with coffee or key’s depending on if i have drop off car pool or not
7:09 repeat
7:10 13 and WC-7 in-car either the moms or car pool
7:15 (or 7:30) mom wishes she had something stronger than coffee.
FTR, the MC-13 is in bed by 9:30 or 10:30.
this morning, everything was as it always is. only this time. i told him to hurry up, and he did not.( well that part is the same) car pool needed to leave a little early, and AGAIN he does not. i told him that he had 5 min to get dressed.
this morning, i told him that he needed to hurry, that CP would not wait for him and, if he missed CP he would be talking the bus to school.
7:20 mom text-ed MC-13’s teacher to tell her that 13 will be late to school
CP arrives 13 is STILL IN HIS PAJAMAS.
Mom tells 13 he is taking the bus, and look how nice i am i found out how to do it.
MC-13 loses. his. shit. the ugly cry. bla bla bla
“mommy, i don’t know how to do it mommy.”
mom lets this go on for a while, does not back down, even starts to walk MC-13 to the bus stop.
then she chickens out and takes MC-13 to school. but she drives via the bus route so that he knows how to take the bus to school. i told him that next time, he knows how to take the bus
UGG! i wanted to follow though! I DID!! i wanted him to take the damn bus and to be sobbing his eyes out the whole way.
it is hard to be a mom.
sometimes i am very very good at it.
sometimes not so much.
today it was a bit of both, i think.
advice gratefully accepted.

yup, i am begging!

hey there! please allow me to invite you to
the class of 2015 8th grade tip go fund me page:
we are raising money to send the class rock climbing with Outward Bound.
We need the help, most of the families in the class are just getting by, the 8th grade trip is an important right of passage for them and to be honest, the cost is prohibitive to most of us.
as a class we are doing many MANY things to raise the money, this is just one part.
I thank you in advance for your support. really thanks! every little bit counts.

OH! and please, would you share the Page with everyone you know? yup, spam the shit out of them!