more gobbly gook


When my father died, he had been ill for a long time, nearly 4 years, give or take. Much longer if you count all the years he drank.

Dad also had cancer, lung cancer. He smoked since he was at least 14, maybe he was younger when he started.

I remember him mostly ill. To be honest.

But when dad died, I felt different.

Don’t get me wrong, I was sad, I grieved.

But, it was different.

I was not LOST. like I feel now.

I was pregnant with princess nekkey. And at the time, the pregnancy was “iffy” and I had a strong feeling I was not supposed to be around dad as he got closer and closer to death.

I believe the veil is thin both at birth and death, it is the same veil.

The veil opens to the same bridge that you either cross to heaven or cross to here, on earth. Mom seemed to understand and so did dad, at lest she told me that.

I was not with him when he died. He did not want it that way. His plan, was that She would kiss him goodnight, go to bed, then when she woke up the next morning he would be gone.

That sorta happened. Dad had been in a coma for sometime, mom was next to him in her chair watching something on the hallmark channel I bet, she dosed off and when she woke up dad was gone.

Dad, I think, had a good death. Mom made sure he was not in pain.

After dad died, he visited me. A few times. Once, woke up to find him at the foot of my bed. He was iridescent, a full body apparition he was “wearing” the suit he bought for my wedding.

He visited the Buddha also.

He show up so many times that I started to get a little freaked out, so the head told him I would be OK and he would take care of me and the kids, so he should move on.

Mom said that dad often worried about me and my sister. She would tell him that we would be OK.

I do not know if mom worried about me and my sister, or if she worried about my kids.

Before she got sick, she was a wonderful grandma, she enjoyed hearing stories of the kids. She would send cards for every holiday there was. Every. One.

Then, almost the week she was diagnosed.

They stopped.

She came up here a few times a year, and at Christmas. But after she got sick, she would not come. She said she was to tired.

To tired!

I would tell her that she could be tired on my couch.

She could sleep the whole time here.

But she would not come.

I was hurt by that.

I am hurt by that.


One thought on “more gobbly gook

  1. Grief sucks eh? I’m praying for you as you journey through this loss. Hang in there Erika. You’re doing the right thing by writing and sharing and getting support 🙂 *hugs*


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