that voice in my head is my mom


Clinically depressed

 

She said the words

And then I thought

Well, fucking duh,

What do you think I have been saying for the last 6 months?

 

I have new meds, meeting weekly. More stuff also I guess.

 

I have been sad most of my life, if not sad, then scared or angry.

Feeling alone always.

Even when people are around me

Even if the people around me love me.

 

Bonnie, my mother was depressed. I never knew her any other way

Ever.

Is it genetic?

Nature vs nurture?

All of the above?

Did she learn it from her mother?

Did her mother learn it from her mother?

And so on?

 

I will never know.

 

The thing is

She broke me

And my sister too,I think

Over and over again

 

She told us how she got pregnant

With us whilst on the pill

She loved to tell us that

 

She did not want us.

But was to afraid of an abortion, I guess

I do not know why she did not abort us.

She was she did have one after my sister was born.

 

Oh lord, what hell it would have been to have another child in our family.

 

It was so bad most of the time.

 

Oh course we had some good times.

 

But mostly I remember the bad.

 

And still, to this day, at 46 what I know, I learned from my folks:

 

I am fat

I am worthless

I am bad

I am stupid

I am lazy

I will never amount to anything

I do not matter

If we don’t talk about it, it never happened

It is always my fault

 

I read something the other day:

There’s a wonderful quote by Peggy O’Mara,

 

“Be careful how  you speak to your children,

 

one day it will become

 

their inner voice.”

 

holy shit that is true

the voice (S)

inside my head are my mother and father

somehow I must silence them

somehow

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2 thoughts on “that voice in my head is my mom

  1. How we get rid of those voices is just one moment at a time, willing the positive voices to be louder. Praise and feed the nicest inner voices and let the mean ones fade away. I happened to have the following article and your post closer together on my Facebook page. You may find it interesting.
    http://www.girlbodypride.com/2012/08/evicting-the-mean-girls-from-my-head/

    Also, Get The Feeling Good Handbook. It has really helped me to change my inner monologue significantly!

    Like

  2. That quote threw me a few weeks ago. I’m not kidding – revolutionized my parenting and was one of the biggest “aha” moments I’ve ever had. EVER. It also made me think beyond my children, because I think everything we say to others plays a role in developing their inner voice as well.

    And m’dear you are none of those things listed. Keep working through this and soon those voices will be replaced with much greater thoughts!

    Like

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