She said the words
And then I thought
Well, fucking duh,
What do you think I have been saying for the last 6 months?
I have new meds, meeting weekly. More stuff also I guess.
I have been sad most of my life, if not sad, then scared or angry.
Feeling alone always.
Even when people are around me
Even if the people around me love me.
Bonnie, my mother was depressed. I never knew her any other way
Is it genetic?
Nature vs nurture?
All of the above?
Did she learn it from her mother?
Did her mother learn it from her mother?
And so on?
I will never know.
The thing is
She broke me
And my sister too,I think
Over and over again
She told us how she got pregnant
With us whilst on the pill
She loved to tell us that
She did not want us.
But was to afraid of an abortion, I guess
I do not know why she did not abort us.
She was she did have one after my sister was born.
Oh lord, what hell it would have been to have another child in our family.
It was so bad most of the time.
Oh course we had some good times.
But mostly I remember the bad.
And still, to this day, at 46 what I know, I learned from my folks:
I am fat
I am worthless
I am bad
I am stupid
I am lazy
I will never amount to anything
I do not matter
If we don’t talk about it, it never happened
It is always my fault
I read something the other day:
There’s a wonderful quote by Peggy O’Mara,
“Be careful how you speak to your children,
one day it will become
their inner voice.”
holy shit that is true
the voice (S)
inside my head are my mother and father
somehow I must silence them