in whitch i almost die of DVT or Zebras are running all over the PNW.

Ok here is the story! On Sat night the Head and I went to Powell’s Book Store. later in the car my calf started to hurt, really hurt and it was a little bit swollen, on Monday I went to my Dr but I saw the PA instead, Since I was presenting with a swollen calf and I am fat, it hurt my leg to flex my feet, and had a probable diagnosis of DVT or blood clot from the PA at my DR’s office who knows just enough to be really scary.

First I went to my Dr Office where I saw the new PA for the second time. I do not like her AT ALL. She likes to talk about all the scary things that can be wrong with you, IE; when I saw her a few weeks ago for a UTI. I knew I had the UTI as well, one usually knows right? And I bought a pee test at Walgreens. My Dr was not in the office that week and she would not give me a script over the phone. So I went in. peed on her stick BOOM! Purple! She then begins to go through my whole chart asking about every drug, every diagnosis and what not. Using big words bla bla bla. So finely she lets me go with the caveat that I CAME BACK IN TWO WEEKS COZ SOME OF THESE UTIS ARE DRUG RESENTANT! OH MYYYYYYYYYYYY! I even make the appointment in the office cuz SHE IS STANDING RIGHT FEKKEN THERE! Then when I was waiting for my drugs, I called and canceled the appointment.

So yesterday she is all up in my grill about my leg and I am answering the best I can AND I told her that I had been diagnose by the DRs Facebook and Google. (She did not think that was funny. DUDES that is halar!) and once again is trying to get some pulse off my ankle and once again used some big word ” I am having a hard time finding the ajsiksdhfkjiyyeorsohrdgs pulse in your FOOT!” she then rights on a prescription pad to go get a scan of my leg STAT. and tells me that I am BAD cuz I did not get a physical in the last two years and IF I HAD SHE WOULD BE ABLE TO GIVE ME A DIOGNOSES!”

Then she finely gives me a script to get a scan and tells me to start taking aspirin every day from NOW ON! So I get home. I take an aspirin and call the head, he says that this PA is, well, let’s just say “bless her heart!” and he will come home earlier and I will drive up to Oregon Health & Science University (OHSU) and go to the ER. But first Portland Waldorf has a game so I wanna go! By the time it is 4:30 my leg is really hurting, so I call the head and asks him to come home and meet me at the school. I had, by the way.  Started dinner, wrapped all of mattz birthday gifts, got him a cake and tossed in load of laundry.

So The Head gets at the school we switch cars and I start to dive his car up the hill to OHSU and call H, who offers to meet me there. Cool. I like that. So I get up there and I have not eaten’ cuz well, who has time and what if they are gunna have to amputate my leg? Right? It could happen. I get there and it is slammed. Now please note OHSU also has a psych ward. And oh lordy, is this ER chock full of very interesting people (bless their hearts) and this is all most fun! I had my surgery there so I am in the system and get my little sticker wrist thingy right away. OH YEAH! I gave the intake nurse the script and I think, I saw her ROLL HER EYES. In the meantime K, Is getting the play by play via text, of the ER and then H, comes in so I introduce her to everyone. And we wait. And wait and wait. People walk out in a huff, fun. Then we get called in to the tree-ahge nurse, I give her the script and I think I see her ROLL HER EYES, she does all the stuff, my vits, bla bla bla.  Then tell us she is sorry but that it will be a while, they try to get to people in order they came in but sometimes people are really sick at which point I tell her, ” you do not need to apologize, cuz this is an ER and Trauma, and yeah I know we will have to wait, and can she please take the scary ” there are bed bugs on my shirt guy after me cuz, well he is really entertaining” ok I did not say THAT.

H and I wait and wait and wait. Then we get called in to go to my room and holy balls people, that ER is HUGE, they should really give all the staff Segway’s so they can get around. We get to my room and tell the nurse I have to pee, and shall I get a specimen? Sure she says! So I pee in the cup, come back and they have gown for me, I have never been asked to change into a gown at an ER. But H.  Asked if I can keep on my really sexy granny panties and big supper sexy black bra and I can. Go ME! Then this adorable guy comes in, he is an EMT in training, is it ok if he trains on me? Sure! Did I tell you he was just as cute as can be? The EMT in training tells me he is going to give me an IV, for meds and if they are going to do a scan that they will need to put the dye stuff in me. Ok cool, I see lots of DR’s and everyone is so nice. I show the script to the resident, and she ROLLS HER EYES. She looks and touches my leg, bla bla bla. OH WAIT! I FORGOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING! When the sweet, adorable paramedic trainee gave me my IV, he did it perfect, I did not feel the needle. and even said “good job!” but when he was getting ready to take the six gallons of blood, he did something and my blood was spurting all over the room like in CSI, it was RAD. but he remand calm. He did a really really good job of getting blood everywhere. Awesome-sauce. Then we wait but that’s ok cuz H and I like each other so it’s all good. Then the attending pops in to the room and talks to us and I give her the script and SHE ROLLS HER EYES, and give it back to me. In the meantime an ultrasound was ordered so the transport guy comes to take me upstairs. He tells us it will be twenty minutes, and off we go! The girl who did the ultra sound was very nice, very, very through, when she is done, she says, “it looks okay to me, but I have to show the radiologist. I will be right back” then 45 min. later, I shit you not, she comes it and says good luck! I hope you feel better soon!’ when I see H, she says to me “wow! They must have found something! That took a long long time!” and I am all “I knoooowwwwww!”

Then the attending comes in with a big smile and says, “did they tell you” I am like “uh sorta” then she says there is no clot.” and I am like SHIT! I hate it when I go to the ER sure I am gunna die or lose a limb or be 51/50ed and nothing happens. I wasted all that time, took a bed from someone who needs it, insurance will be paying a butt load of money and not one PINNY of was needed. Shit! At this point it is nearly midnight, so we head home, I don’t call home cuz what if the head is sleeping and I do not want to wake him up. So I stop at taco bell cuz I had Fritos for dinner, get home and tell the head all about my day. The moral of the story? I will not see this PA again, she knows just enough to be scary, although I do think someone should tell her that if you hear a hoofs clip clopping up the street, assume it is a heard of HORSES not ZEBRA.

The end.


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