So yeah, I go to AA, I am not an alcoholic so I can say that I go to AA.
I do not have to maintain anonymity.
Anyway, my dad was a drunk
as were his mom and dad,
and most likely his grandparents.
Daddy died 4 years ago May.
Last year, I was having a bad day, and there were none of the other 12 step meetings in town that I went to.
So I went to a local open AA meeting.
this last year I have been going to AA.
It is a whole new world! A way better working of the program!
I have learned so much about him.
About his pain
that poor, poor man
Bless his heart.
I have a level of compassion now that I have never had for daddy.
I have been in another 12 step program for 33 years. ( and yes, in this program am a member so I maintain anonymity)
and through all those years
I have learned about alcoholism being a disease
yada yada yada
but I never knew really how much pain he was in.
I know now, because of AA I know that daddy
was proud of me
was delighted in my accomplishments
was glad I was in his life
and he was tormented by the disease of alcoholism
and he hated that he drank
he hated himself so much.
I see the pain in the eyes
I hear the pain in the stories
in every man in that room
they are all daddy.
Some even look like him!
A good amount are men like daddy who worked or work with their hands.
A good amount are VETS.
I see daddies eyes in them.
So now, I have, oh I don’t know, a dozen or so dads.
And a few big brothers who
are proud of me
delight in me and my accomplishments
and are glad I am in their lives
and ya know what?
They say it!
“Blueberry? We are proud of you!”
“Remember, you are loved.”
I matter to them, and they, being sober, are able to show me these things.
through them, daddy does also.
Sometimes I feel daddy with me in the room.
I like that.
I love that.
I am so grateful for AA.