my dad and AA


So yeah, I go to AA, I am not an alcoholic so I can say that I go to AA.

I do not have to maintain anonymity.

 

Anyway, my dad was a drunk

as were his mom and dad,

and most likely his grandparents.

 

Daddy died 4 years ago May.

Last year, I was having a bad day, and there were none of the other 12 step meetings in town that I went to.

So I went to a local open AA meeting.

and

this last year I have been going to AA.

It is a whole new world! A way better working of the program!

I have learned so much about him.

About his pain

and anguish

and hurt

and self-hatred

that poor, poor man

 

Bless his heart.

Really.

 

I have a level of compassion now that I have never had for daddy.

 

I have been in another 12 step program for 33 years. ( and yes, in this program am a member so I maintain anonymity)

and through all those years

I have learned about alcoholism being a disease

 

yada yada yada

 

but I never knew really how much pain he was in.

 

I know now, because of AA I know that daddy

loved me

was proud of me

was delighted in my accomplishments

was glad I was in his life

 

and he was tormented by the disease of alcoholism

and he hated that he drank

he hated himself so much.

 

I see the pain in the eyes

I hear the pain in the stories

in every man in that room

 

they are all daddy.

Some even look like him!

A good amount are men like daddy who worked or work with their hands.

A good amount are VETS.

 

I see daddies eyes in them.

Every week!

So now, I have, oh I don’t know, a dozen or so dads.

And a few big brothers who

 

also;

love me

are proud of me

delight in me and my accomplishments

and are glad I am in their lives

and ya know what?

They say it!

 

“Blueberry? We are proud of you!”

“Remember, you are loved.”

 

I matter to them, and they, being sober, are able to show me these things.

and

through them, daddy does also.

Sometimes I feel daddy with me in the room.

 

I like that.

I love that.

 

I am so grateful for AA.

 

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