my mother once told me


My mother once told me

that I should be shot.

I was 10, I think.

I remember sitting on the coffee table

with my sister next to me

mom was on the couch.


Dad at the time, was on the wagon

He went on the wagon a few times


I do not know how many.


anyway, my sister and I had done something

unforgivable, I guess.

Maybe we fought

or spilled milk

or forgot to take out the trash

i do not remember


but He got pissed and stormed out of the house.


Mom sat us down and said the words

you should be shot, both of you”


I know she said other things before and after that. But I do not remember what it was.


Doesn’t matter really.

She made her point very clear.

It was our fault that he was a drunk.

It was our fault that her life was in the shit.

Huh.


Yes it really happened. It is a memory that is burned into my brain, like the numbers of Holocaust victims.

78908377.


I do not remember if dad came home drunk that night.

It does not matter.


Does it?


I have never spoken about this with my mom.

She is healthier now.

She is happier now.

She is free now.

I wonder, if I did bring it up would she remember or would she deny it.


Daddy never did find “recovery”

in the AA sense of the word.

He did die “sober”

The chemo made it impossible to drink.


Haha…it did not make it impossible to smoke.


I have learned since then that it was not my fault

or my sisters

or even my moms


well……yeah…..mom was NUTZ. I would drink if I had to live with her crazy shit too.


Alcoholics drink cuz the sun did not come up

or

Alcoholics drink cuz the sun came up

or

Alcoholics drink cuz the TV is broken

or

cuz they have motherfucking crazy wives

who nag the shit out of them.

or

They are out of butter.

Alcoholics do not need a reason to drink.


Period.


I myself did find recovery. I went to Ala-teen at age 12.

I know.

I KNOW

that I am alive today because of Ala-teen.

i have been in the “program”

33 years.

And some thing good came from that day when

My mother once told me

that I should be shot.


I know that what I say to my children

matters.


I know that they will remember every shitty thing I say to them

so I breath before I speak

sometimes I count

12345678910

I do not want them when they are 45 years old to have that memory.

Someone once said

it takes 100 thata-boys

it takes 100 thata-girls

to erase

you should be shot”

trust me.

It takes more.

A helluva lot more.

Maybe a life time of

thata-boys

or

thata-girls


A prayer:

Spirit of life, Holy One,

Divine Love known by many names
And no name,

One who is not bound by

gender Or form or ethnicity

G*d,

I forgive my mom.

I do.

She was so so sick then.

Poor thing.

She saw no light at the end of the tunnel

and when she did, I bet she thought it was a train.

She must have felt so alone.

And responsible.

She must have been so

very afraid.

Poor thing!

I ask Holy One

that you cover her with your blessing

and love

and light

and forgiveness.

Please help me to be the best mom.

Keep reminding me

that words matter

that words can hurt

they can hurt forever.

Keep holding me in the light

as you do and for that

I am forever

grateful.

May it be so

May it be so


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4 thoughts on “my mother once told me

  1. Yep, I remember. No worries.

    For the record – chemo AND the inability to go to the store helped him not drink. He quit smoking because a) I started a rumor that if he smoked while on oxygen he would blow up; and b) the inability to go to the store…

    I don’t believe bringing this up with Mom would alleviate anyone’s suffering. Just saying…

    xo

    Like

  2. Actually, no. Even if I did, I don’t think I would revisit it; for the same reason I wouldn’t bring it up to Mom.

    I made my peace with both of them, in different ways, at different times. I believe you have as well – mostly.

    We know we won’t repeat their mistakes. ‘Nuff said, right?

    xo

    Like

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