auto-bio-ish post


You might be wondering why I left the church.

Or maybe you do not give a shit.

Anyway, it all started when I was in 9th grade.

I met these girls, I forget their names and they took me to a bible study.

They told me I was going to hell unless I excepted Jesus in my heart…

so I did.

And much to the horror (yes, HORROR) of my folks, I stuck with it.

To be fair, I was a real bitch letting them know day after day that they were going to hell, and I was not.

G*d, what a bitch I was..

Sorry Tam, sorry Mom.

Sorry G*d

And twas ever thus…for the next 15ish years…

I did mellow out

Sorta

Meh, no I really did not…

I hung out with Christians

I worked with Christians

I lived with Christians

I played with Christians

I only listened to Christian music

I only read the bible, or Christian books.


And I did really REALLY love Jesus.

Still do!

I Trusted my pastor completely.

COMPLETELY

I planned on going to Christian college

Like, GULP, Bob Jones or Oral Roberts University.

Then, one day,while on a mission trip to Eastern Europe, ( Poland, Yugoslavia and someplace else that I forget right now….)

Anyway, we were at Auschwitz…

That Place.

No real words for that place

Sad

Angry

Scary

Lonely

But I knew something, and it scared the shit out of me cuz, if what I knew was wrong, then what I had been taught in the church was wrong.

And holy shit….

I knew that I had been there before.

I recognized the place.

I had been there in a past life.

I knew I had died there.

Fuck

Right?

I told no one

Not. one. person.

Not even G*D

Who could I tell?

Then another time

On Halloween ( I call it Samhain now)

I was at church watching a movie about how Samhain (Halloween)was BAD..

The Devils day

And we were watching this movie, when I saw something that took my breath away….

They were showing some druids in worship.

And I knew, AGAIN I had been there and done that.

I knew I was not crazy.

Well, yes, yes I was.

But not ya know, delusional

It was then, at that very moment, that I knew.

My path was CHANGING and becoming a two way path. No longer

a one way straight and narrow road., it was now wide and curvy!

Cool beanz.

Yeah, truth be told it was scary as shit.

My life was upside down.

Oh yeah! I forgot

Add to this numerous times when my Pastor

Yes, MY FUCKING PASTOR would tell “queer jokes” from the pulpit.

On Sundays

nice.

So, needless to say, I was ready to go.

So I left.

For another church, a more progressive church, but still a church full of born again.

Then, my life was, well, my life full of questions. And I was lucky to have a pastor who did not disavow people who asked the hard questions. And he was cool. When I told him I thought g*d was part woman he said “ok”

And I fell I love, my first real love.

He was …

My First.

At

27

Yes

Twenty Seven.

And I do not regret him.

Though I am glad I did not marry him.

But he was a good first lover.

Anyway….

After he broke up with me ( cuz I ya know, slept with him and that was bad cuz we were not married)

I left the church forever and have not looked back. No, that is a lie, I look back all the time

I miss part of that part of my life.

Just the worship part.

Then I became a lesbian and a witch

No, really. I did.

Well, maybe not a full on Lesbian, more bi.

And I grew

And I grew

And after a while I grew some more.

Then one day I bumped into one of my “friends” from my church days…

And he was

The same

The very fucking same

No growth…

Like, still 19 years old.

Only now he was 30. ish.

And still the same.

and I was not

and I am glad.

A Prayer:

Spirit of life, Holy One,

Divine Love known by many names
And no name,

One who is not bound by gender

Or form or ethnicity
G*d,

thank you for my path.

Thank you for leading me on

this path.

Thank you that my path changes

I like that about my journey.

Thanks for teaching me experience and tolerance and love

for the

different

and the

other.

Thanks for getting me out when you did!

I am Grateful for all the teachers in my life now.

The ones that are on this side of paradise and ones on the other side.

I pray for my friends from that time

Bless them

Hold them in your light.

If they need healing

heal them.

The they are in need

fill them till there cup runs over.

If they are filled with hate.

Teach them LOVE

If they are filled with fear.

Bring them peace.

If they are living a lie

show them the truth.

If their hearts are cold

bring them warmth.

If they are intolerant

teach them unconditional love.

May it be so

May it be so

PS. i do still have friends from that part of my life. and i am blessed to still have them. you know who you are!

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4 thoughts on “auto-bio-ish post

  1. It’s ok – I forgive you. Just don’t do it EVER, EVER AGAIN!!!

    By the way, the other country you offended was the Czech Republic (known as Czechoslovakia at that time).

    xoxo – T

    Like

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