Who knew it could happen in our late 30’s early 40’s?
Well dear readers it can and indeed it has.
Two people whom I thought were friends.
One whom I called my best friend up here.
It was so weird.
They just stopped returning my calls, emails and texts
Even for stuff like:
“Let take the kids to one of the city fountains”
“How are you doing?”
“Are we ok?”
I finely sent an email of apology to the both of them.
Because I must have done something so very wrong.
I most all the time talk the responsibly for things
(and yes, I am working on that.)
Not knowing AT ALL what I was apologizing for
But the 10th step says:
“Continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it”
So I did…
And both came back with:
“You do not need to apologize”
“i need space”
“I am evaluating my boundaries”
The other said:
“I can not keep “rescuing you” and I can not be friend right now.”
There is more, and I do not know what it is because they will not talk to me!
Yes, both did say I have done nothing to apologize for.
We have all heard it.
“It is me not you”
And yet, it is clear that we are not longer friends
I am sad.
I wrote a letter to the one who “broke up with me”
To defend myself for two things she said that were, I would not say completely wrong but she left out a goodly amount.
So after I said,,,there is more to the story than you remember..
I told her I forgave her…i know what she is doing, she is sabotaging our friendship because she is scared.i told her that I had .BTDT over and over again.
I called her on it and then said
“I forgive you”.
And ya know what?
I really really do.
I also told her I will hold her in the light, and that she deserved to be happy joyous and free.
And that I am here when she is ready..
This could go two ways. She could take the letter in a whole another place than it was meant. and get angry, offended and defensive
She could receive it in the manner and spirit it was intended.
I wrote the letter so that not one word could be used against me.
Cuz, I know, that she will share it with the other friend
I keep my side of the street clean.
I am not alone on that clean street.
G*d is with me
My true friends, nay, they are my sisters,
are on that road with me.
My husband is with me
The ball is in her court..
As for my other friend.
I am not sure what is going on so I am giving her space.
And keeping them both in prayer.
Holding then in the light.
Asking for only blessing and love and health and good things.
Keep me accountable about that ok?
Yes, I am sad, my feeling are hurt. Really hurt.
But I am not alone, I have husband who loves me
and true, loyal, friends with whom I share community.
They will not betray me.
Nor I them.
I am reminded of a monologue from my favorer
Theologian Medea, said it perfectly
Take the time to watch this ok? It is worth every moment.
***maybe these friends were just leaves or a branch.***
I want roots in my life.
I want my children to see
Me be in healthy relationship with roots.
Not unhealthy ones with leaves or weak branches.
I want my children to see me
Spirit of life, Holy One, Divine Love known by many names
and no name, one who is not bound by gender or form or ethnicity.
I ask that you hold close my friends.
Bless them abundantly
Bring to both
Give them rest, Holy One
Support for this
for all three of us.
Remind me that I have
Do not let me
Take it back.
Keep me open to your will for my life.
Comfort me with your healing spirit…
Jesus was betrayed
By someone he adored.
When and if they come back
Keep my heart open please.
Please, keep it wide open.
Protect me as well.
Thanks for loving me G*d
Warts and all.
Even when I swear.
Or doubt that you love me and want the best for me.
Even when I sit in hot tubs with naked people.
Even when I am a bitch to my spouse and my kids.
Even when I do not love myself
And you love me still.
May it be so.