I am going to be off-line for a few days..
I am going on a spa weekend.
This makes me glad.
I am still really stressed out
I can feel my heart beating.
I feel scared, sad, lonely, anxious, tired, and I have a head ache.
One more thing.. do not yell at me ok?
I have not have had anything to eat in 2 days.
I am making some cream of wheat right now and I will eat it.
I have had an eating disorder since I was 16 years old.
Daddy came home drunk.
I was watching General Hospital.
Luke, Laura and Robert were on the Cassadine Island
trying to stop Mikkos from freezing the world.
Remember that? I loved Luke and Laura.
Any way, I was lying on the floor and Daddy took at Polaroid of my butt, to show me.
What a FAT ASS I had.
Yes he said those words.
And that folks, is one of my defining moments.
That was when I started to throw up my food.
Or not eat at all.
That lasted till I was pregnant with the Buddha.
I was 34.
16 to 34
So food is what I go to.
Or not go to.
Or get rid of
When I am really in a bad place.
And it looks like I am heading that way again…
I have gained some weight this summer, I can see it and feel it.
I tell people at the AA meeting I go to that I would.
Rather be skinny then high.
And that my friends is the truth.
I can not control most things in my life.
But I can
Other things are going on that I wont talk about yet.
But I can say that as of today?
My side of the street is clean.
I have apologized and tried to make amends.
That is all I can do.
And let go of the rest.
That is so fucking hard.
This weekend I am going to leave
all this shit and drama
The house looks fine, clean and picked up.
But still looks like kids live here
cuz ya know
And dinner is ready to be grilled.
Bratwurst, in case you were wondering.
With a big walla walla onion.
I am all packed and ready to go.
Oh yeah, guess who came by this morning?