hate shamate

Last night, at my 12 step meeting a woman with 21 years ( it might be more) came up to me and told me to let go of my hatred for the MSIL…
She told me to write up everything that I hate about her and then look and see what is it I see in her that I hate about myself.

And ya know?

The thing is I am not sure that hate is always about ourselves, if someone is sick and evil, like for the sake of this discussion; Hitler.

Then we hate him cuz he was a sick mother f****r right?

I have been giving this a great deal of thought. And I do use the word Hate, not so much because that is how I really feel. I think.

There are many other words for hate: LOTS.
It is not so much that a really hate her, it is that we are so polar opposites on everything.


She does not like anyone that is not like her.
She has no room for anyone different
Including people of color, people who are physically or mentality or emotionaly cchallenged, the homeless, the obese, and immigrants
even though,
Her mom and dad were, she is
only 2ed generation American!

She is an elitist in every sense of the word. Like I said in an earlier post she uses the n word. Like it is no big deal.

“Hay look! That is a blue car”


“Hay look at that n**r is a fireman!!!”


“Do not give money to that homeless man,’cuz ya know,

He WANTS to be out here.”

“If he wanted help he could get it.”

“See that woman? She goes to the food bank and yet look how fat she is and she has a cell phone”….blablabla


She damaged my husband.
The head had to work very hard to undo all of her poison.
Once when he was 14, I think, (he just told me he was 7 or 8, he thinks and he was older when his mom told him this, much older but she did not apologize)
She said she could not stand to touch him
He was so tall and skinny…
Do you know why I know that?

Cuz once I made custard, and the head ate it but I could tell He was not that into it ya know, so I asked,

“Head, don’t you like custard?”

And he told me that story and said his mom would make him eat some every day, ‘cuz he was so skinny.

I do not make him custard any more.

When her daughter ( the Heads sister) converted to Judaism,(she married a Jew, they are raising their children Jewish!) MSIL was livid! she was so angry that H was “Turning her back on her history, culture.”

They never went to church, not even VBS!

MSIL had an old photo of some distant aunt on her wall and the woman had a swastika broach on…who the f**k puts up a photo like that?

Her poor DH is a shell of a man in so so many ways. That I will not go into cuz that is not my story to tell.

So here is my plan:
I know that she is a baby soul remember?
And I know that.

I must

Hold her in the light

And by doing so, I will forgive her.
And maybe, maybe even grow to love her.
Well, maybe not love,
But understanding, acceptance and tolerance?
Or if I can have nothing else, I would like to have compassion for her.

Like I would any damaged person.

Like I would if she said all these things

And she had Alzheimer’s


A brain tumor,



So my assignment is to develop compassion for her.
Jesus loves her.
Gandhi would love her.
Mother Teresa would love her.
Dr King would,wouldn’t he? Would he at least have compassion? (I do not know what he would do, but he always responded in love huh?)

The Buddha ( the real one, not the off spring) would say she is just asleep right?

If I hold on even to the first UU principle

The inherent worth and dignity of every person;

It does not say except assholes and mean bitchy rude evil monster in laws….

every person

Here are the rest of our 7 Unitarian Universalist pprinciples:

*Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
*Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
*A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
*The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
*The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
*Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

It is my duty to love her,
To forgive her
To show her
Beauty and compassion.
And to pray for her baby soul….

This is not going to happen over night.
But that is ok.

I heard someone say in a meeting,

“Ya know, if you walk 5 miles in to the forest you still have to walk 5 miles out”

But….this weekend I am off on a retreat,

I am going to be quiet,

I am going to read “radical forgiveness” I think.
And I will rest and allow myself to be pampered and loved and held in the light.

And soon, maybe next week,
I am going to pray for her,
I will try to pray every night for her.

I will TRY.

And I will, I.WILL.
Treat her with compassion even
if I have to fake it till I make it.

I want to do this because it is the right thing,

I can not change her.

But I can change how I deal with her.

This visit I am bailing and that is ok.

Maybe next time, I will even invite them, maybe I will send her a book ( she loves to read, HAY me too!!!!) and then we can talk about the book!!!

I was just reminded of a story my daddy told me;

When the Buddha was about 2 I think maybe 3 daddy would Take him to the park across the street from our little apt on the beach. (we grew up there on the beach, you could hear the waves at night, and the fog horn, I miss the fog horn) the Buddha called it “Pappas park”

Anyway there
A little boy of color their with his grandpa and the two boys started playing,
You see, they did not see any difference,
It was just another boy who had a cool sand toy also,
Ya know?
Daddy said that he and the other old man sat watching their grandsons playing, just, playing and the other guy said, “ya know it think it is good that they are just playing like they are both just boys” and daddy said “yea”

That was a big deal, for these two men who saw the civil rights movement happen.
They saw change happen before their very own eyes,
Remember what Dr King said?
“I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

That happened that day in that small park.

And I know it changed the way daddy looked at things, and for that other man too.

I hope that MSIL will get this chance to see sameness in everyone, be they dark or light skinned,
Be they homeless or have a safe place to lay their heads at night,
Be they rich or poor.
Be they Skinny or fat
And given the fact that I believe in miracles:
I believe it can happen.

A prayer:

Spirit of life, Holy One, Divine Love known by many names
and no name, one who is not bound by gender or form or ethnicity.

I am sorry about my unforgiving sprite.

I pray that you show me:

The way of compassion.
The way of truth.
The way of love.
The way of peace.
The way of forgiveness.

I pray that you show me how you love her.
Give me the same compassion I have for the homeless man on the street.

Help to find Dear one…

The things we have in common
Help me when she says thing that are offensive,

That you give me the words to love her out of that place,
You can do that G*D

I know you can.

I pray that you show me the things in her that are worth loving..i beg you Holy One.

Give me love LOVE
for her.
The kind that changes lives,
Your love changed lives Jesus,
Mother Teresa changed lives with her love.

I know I can to , Phi 4:13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

I pray holy one for a miracle.

May it be so
May it be so

PS on my Facebook this morning:

Sometimes harsh words or physical intervention may be called for. Patience safeguards our inner composure: we are in a stronger position to judge an appropriately non-violent response than if we are overwhelmed by negative thoughts and emotions. It is the opposite of cowardice, which arises when confidence is lost as a result of fear. Being patient means we remain firm even if we are afraid.

Dalai Lama


2 thoughts on “hate shamate

  1. I do think forgiveness is the hardest thing to do. Harder than anything, especially when the person you need to forgive hasn't asked for it. You are definitely on the right path with this post. Unforgiveness breeds bitterness, and bitterness eats people alive. I heard someone say unforgiveness is like taking poison and then waiting for the other person to die. Very, very true statment.


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