i know i know i know


OK I get it, I should not dislike my MSIL.



I know it gives her all the power.



It is my truth.



I do not like her.

She does not like me.

Shit, she does not even like the Head, her own SON!

And he does not like her…



Do you know why he calls her when he does?



I MAKE HIM.

If it were not for me? He would never ever talk to her.

Really, ask him, go on, I will wait.









See? I told ya.

Anyway, I digress.



We have nothing in common

Yes, I know, we have the kids and her son in common.



I have been so so stressed out at the very thought of her coming up here (did i tell you that they invited themselves?) that I have been making myself sick.



I have had a least 3 anxiety attacks in the last week!

The kind where I have to medicate myself.



And when I said;

“I am Leaving, I will not be here when she is here.”

I felt peace. For the first time in weeks.



WEEKS people.



I have an invitation to stay at a friends farm, and a girlfriend has her house to her self as her kids will be at their dads so I might go there.

Or I might put my sleeping bag in the van and drive. Maybe north.Or maybe to the coast.

I may or may not take the toddler.



cuz in spite of everything i want my children to know their Grandparents.

I really really do!



We will need childcare on Saturday from 3 to about 9ish, I think for the Rock star and the Bonus. In less the Grand’rents wanna hang with them..who knows? Maybe they will!



The Head is performing with his Gamalon at the PDX Bridge Festival



And the Buddha will probably rodie? rody? Roddy?

Uh, help set up for them.



So yeah, we have a cuppla things to deal with, that is ok it will work out. It always does.



And yes, I know all the right things;

Give it to g*d.

Forgive.

Let it go.

You know what? By saying my truth;

“I can not deal this time, I need to be not here”



I think I am being very healthy.

I am being true to me…



And that is a good thing.



A prayer

Spirit of life, Holy One, Divine Love known by many names

and no name, one who is not bound by gender or form or ethnicity

G*d,



I know I need to love and forgive her Because you have! For all of us.

I know she is a baby soul who needs love and compassion.



But this time it can not be me.

I think it is great that you are big enough to do it for me.



And work on my spirit in order for me to do it here on earth.



Please forgive me.I am falling so very short of what you want for me.



I ask that she may find peace.

I ask that she may find joy.

I ask that she may find forgiveness.

I ask that she may find health.

I ask that she may find truth.

I ask that she find love.

I ask that she find YOU.



I truly hope for these things for her and for me.



I pray that that everyone have a really good time while my in-laws are up here.



As I have been writing this,I have been reminded of this prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred…let me sow love.

Where there is injury…pardon.

Where there is doubt…faith.

Where there is despair…hope.

Where there is darkness…light

Where there is sadness…joy.

Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled…as to console.

To be understood…as to understand.

To be loved…as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.

It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

(St. Francis of Assissi)





And help me find a really cool place to go next weekend.



May it be so







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2 thoughts on “i know i know i know

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