so, today is my birthday.
i am 49
that means that next year i will be 50
my parents did not live long enough to see me turn 50.
both died of lung cancer.
my dad was 70 when he died
my mom was 71
dad started smoking at 12, i think.
mom did stop smoking when i was young, but she lived with a smoker her whole adult life.
mom had me in her 20s.
she should have seen me turn 50.

my hope and prayer is that i live to see my children turn 50.
who knows? it could happen.
i will be 92 when the Woman-cub turns 50.
so. yeah.

bad mommy

well, i suck at following though with the momma threats.
some back-story:
Man-cub 13 sleeps like the dead. it takes a an act of congress to get the boy up and out of bed. really. i wish i could just go in, turn on the lights and bang on a metal trash can. but alas, Man-cub 15 does not need to wake up for another 30 min. and i do not want to wake him up.
a typical morning:
7:15 mother gets up, pee.
7:20 wake up the Woman-cub 7. 7, gets up. gets bfast. go into the boy’s room rub 13’s back, say “its time to wake” up the MC-13 he grunts or says “imsotired”
7:25: feed WC-7.
7:30: mother go into boys room, rub 13s back more vigorously say: “time to wake up MC-13”
7:35 repeat
7:40 repeat
7:45 repeat
7:50 MC-13 crawls out of room, wrapped in covers. goes to couch. mother brings bfast to MC-13 who is now asleep on the couch.
7:55 mother tells MC-13 to finish the frosted flakes, get dressed.
7:00 repeat whilst putting school stuff in backpack
7:05 repeat standing by door either with coffee or key’s depending on if i have drop off car pool or not
7:09 repeat
7:10 13 and WC-7 in-car either the moms or car pool
7:15 (or 7:30) mom wishes she had something stronger than coffee.
FTR, the MC-13 is in bed by 9:30 or 10:30.
this morning, everything was as it always is. only this time. i told him to hurry up, and he did not.( well that part is the same) car pool needed to leave a little early, and AGAIN he does not. i told him that he had 5 min to get dressed.
this morning, i told him that he needed to hurry, that CP would not wait for him and, if he missed CP he would be talking the bus to school.
7:20 mom text-ed MC-13’s teacher to tell her that 13 will be late to school
CP arrives 13 is STILL IN HIS PAJAMAS.
Mom tells 13 he is taking the bus, and look how nice i am i found out how to do it.
MC-13 loses. his. shit. the ugly cry. bla bla bla
“mommy, i don’t know how to do it mommy.”
mom lets this go on for a while, does not back down, even starts to walk MC-13 to the bus stop.
then she chickens out and takes MC-13 to school. but she drives via the bus route so that he knows how to take the bus to school. i told him that next time, he knows how to take the bus
UGG! i wanted to follow though! I DID!! i wanted him to take the damn bus and to be sobbing his eyes out the whole way.
it is hard to be a mom.
sometimes i am very very good at it.
sometimes not so much.
today it was a bit of both, i think.
advice gratefully accepted.

enchantment stew.

we start with the tears of a tantra-ming merchant marine,
dragon scales , spider eyes, tongue of sassy teen;
i like to add some re-fried beans.
elephant boogers, yes they are big!
left over pizza, the toe of a pig.

earwax from monkeys, snot from a bird.
i know that this sounds really absurd!
but we need some spinach, please eat your greens!
peas and carrots, old dusty jeans.

i add horn of jackalope, yes they are real!
i like to toss in an orange, leave on the peel.
armadillo guts, the little and the big, is what we need next,
hay wait! here is someones ap-pen-dex!

my brothers smelly socks from home,
oh! and i forgot this, some coffee from rome.
now we need blood from a lizard, barf from a bee,
cheese from my moms fridge, and a jabberwalky knee.
fur of bat, tail of possum,
some garlic, some salt. pepper to taste.

bacon! thats right! makes everything great!
the snout of a goat, lice fingertips
(i would add thumb) cuz lice and nits are supper supper dumb
i like them with ranch. but some like goose plum
it tastes just like chicken if you add the right dip

for sweetness, chocolate chips
the sweet smell of baby head.
fresh clean sheets on my bed

kitty cat mews and puppy dog
bark. the sounds of a child’s
laughter in a park.

twinkies, donuts and candied apples,
orieos work too!
organic agave for those who whooo!

finely, mermaid hair for color.
marigolds work also.
try some beak of a duck
(that brings good luck!)
and maybe some ginger, really, anything thats gold.
now let the magic unfold.

in which i admit the truth

Sleeping Palestinian children

are being bombed whilst seeking refuge

in schools.

Texas is sending


National Guard to the boarder to

protect us from

fleeing refuge children.

Children are being brutally

killed, BEHEADED! in Iraq

Because their families are Christian.

and here in the good’ol US of A unarmed boys of color are being shot by cops.

My white sons will most likely

never be shot by cops.

armed or otherwise



Dr. Not Scary Dentist.

So, I went to the dentist and got a HUGE cavity filled.
I really do not like going, in fact, I loathe going.
I am scared of the dentist; it IS a real fear, wikki says so!

It is called dental phobia, dentophobia,
dentist phobia, or dental anxiety.

But Dr. Not Scary Dentist gives me VALIUM
so that I can, ya know, walk into the office, cuz otherwise I will not, could not, walk into the office, or even walk by the office.
Because everybody knows that Dentists are really really bad people who love to inflict pain and then charge you for it.
everybody. knows.
Like that Dentist in The Little Shop of Horrors.


But Dr. Not Scary Dentist is not like that:
He is not mean to me. AND he knows about people being scared and all that. AND he loves Jesus, the REAL Jesus, not the Republican Jesus, and he tells me what he is going to do before he does it.
AND he always asks me “How ya doin’ lil’ Sis?”

AND I know I have more teeth to fill, so I said, “Let’s just do it.” Because I am too high to care or make any decisions other than whether
I am having rice pudding or
Campbell’s Bean and Bacon soup
for lunch.
But THEN while the
Novocaine was starting to work,
Dr. Not Scary Dentist walked out and
told The Head,
who had to drive me cuz DO NOT TAKE Diazepam AND DRIVE TO THE DENTIST, or anywhere else for that matter.

Anyway, Dr. Not Scary Dentist said to the Head that, “It is more important that little Sis learns to trust me and the dental process than she needs to get her other tooth filled today.”

So he does not take advantage of a stoned person in the seat of doom.

When I got home I laid down in bed for a little bit. That was nice. But then, THEN, I got a migraine. I think the tooth triggered it.
I took my migraine meds, fell asleep
at 2 and woke up at 6:15.
So if you go to the dentist, even the really nice ones who give you Valium and do NOT sing scary songs and DO let you listen to old-time gospel and then sing out loud
with you humming the tunes when
Johnny Cash or Elvis comes on
(cuz who does not LOVE Johnny Cash and Elvis, who are the best Gospel singers, EVAH),
BECAUSE even when they give you a nice shiny pink tooth-brush cuz you were so good,

it will still fuck up your day.

an open letter.


dear reader,
i need to share something with you. it is not a secret that i am a woman of liberal religious faith. the words “liberal religious faith” are loaded ones. i would not even begin to aquatically define them. i am just not articulate enough. not to mention that they mean different things to different people. ask ten people what it means and you will get ten different answers.
for me, it is very simple really. i love. period. but in these last few months as america and the wider world begin to recognize and even legislate “gay marriage” or what most just call, “marriage equality” i realize that i have not been the alli to my lgbtqq friends that i should have been, yes, i like and share posts and mems that support it. my profile picture has, more than a few times been rainbow and or an equal sign. i have a rainbow sticker on my car and i vote for candidates who support marriage equality. i go to pride when i can go. i participate in protests and walks and i boycott places that discriminate against lgbtqq.
but it is not enough. not nearly enough.
a story:
years ago, back when i identified as a born again, evangelical and conservative christain, i had a friend who was gay. his name was johny, though now that i think about it, he did not spell his name like that. he loved g*d so much, loved jesus, he had a heart of gold and for the lord. he could sing, really sing, in fact he had been at one time a back up singer for donna summer. he was such a great person, i loved him. but, he was gay. and my girlfriends and i knew it. we prayed that he would be “healed” i remember one time when we had a small get together, when he sat on a chair we surround him and prayed that the demons of homosexuality would release him “in jesus name” he wanted to be “free” he did! he wanted to be loved and excepted by the father, and us.
if i could go back that night, i would stop the prayer. and i would look him in the eyes and remind him that of this scripture
Psalm 139:14-16 (the message)
oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
i thank you, high god—you’re breathtaking!
body and soul, i am marvelously made!
i worship in adoration—what a creation!
you know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
you know exactly how i was made, bit by bit,
how i was sculpted from nothing into something.
like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
the days of my life all prepared
before i’d even lived one day.
i would remind him that g*d does not make mistakes, that g*d knows him better then he does. i would tell him that in my mind he was perfect just as he was. period. that who he loved did not matter to me. i would tell him that if homosexuality really matters to g*d then the bible would have more than 6 or 7 scriptures about it.
i would tell him that jesus spoke not a word about being gay. i would tell him that in the bible, the word is love is mentioned more than 500 times close to 700 times depending on which version of it you are reading. In the king james version, it’s mentioned 508 in the old testament and 697 in the new testament.
if i could talk to him now, i would ask his forgiveness for not fully embracing who he was. i would hold him close and just love him. i would tell him a truth about me, that i was and still am bisexual. yes, i married a man, but i could have just as easily fallen in love with a women. that on my hearts list of what i was looking for in a life partner, the gender of that person was not on it. and that was something about me that i had known since i was young. i had a crush on both steve austin and jamie summers! i have loved men and women.
i know gay and lesbian couples who have been together, 30, 40, 50 years, their relationships are not all about sex. whose really is? do you, in your hetro marriage really just have intercourse? missionary style even? marriage is about sharing your lives together, it is about rearing children. paying taxes. it is about loving each other, though sickness and health, though poverty and wealth, in good times and in bad for as long as you both shall live! just like anyone, lgbtqq deserve to be seen as a family in the eyes of the government as well as the church.
if you really think that being lgbtqq is a choice, then ask the 1 in 5 gay or lesbian teens who attempt suicide each year, ask your self then why would someone put them selves though the bullying, from their church? their school? their family? do you really think that they are just not praying enough? really?

let me just share with you some stats:

has the loss of so many children not broken your very heart? how many have to die before you realize that a person who is gay or lesbian is at the very core of who they are? it needs to stop now. right now.
i love and respect too many lgbtqq peoples not to stand up and shout the truth, they are good and wonderful and loving and great parents and truly good human beings who g*d loves.
when jesus died on the cross that day on calvary, he said
“it is finished” i believe that what he meant by that is that we are all saved by his grace, he came into the world to save us from the law. and he gave us 3 new ones
love g*d
love your neighbor
do unto others what you would want done unto you.
that is the new law, people. that is the law that i will follow until my very last breath.
you may be asking, so what is your point blueberry?
my point is this:
*i will support and champion for my lgbtqq siblings.
*i will stand up to the bully who would deny them basic human rights.
*i will look you in the eye and tell you that you are wrong for using the bible (or any holy book for that matter) as a weapon to bully any one who is different or who you may think is “less than.”
*i will not accept your using your “faith” to give you permission to deny 10% (closer to 15 or 20) of the population because some book written nearly 1000 years ago says so.
*i will remove myself from your life, be it facebook or otherwise if you post any inflammatory comments about lgbtqq peoples.
*i will no longer attend or support your church if you are not a open and affirming faith.
*i will fight for marriage equality here in oregon and support in anyway i can for it, in america and the wider world.
*i will be an alli for my lgbtqq siblings in other countries that would criminalize who they are, and for who they love, like russia and uganda.
*i will consider those who would fight and bully my lgbtqq siblings my enemy, more so if you use your religion as a tool to marginalize them.
and if you do not like that, if you can not stand with me. then, i invite you to walk away from me. please.
i do not know what will happen when i die. but if i do stand before g*d in judgement. at that time i would like to hope that i will stand proud with my head held high, and say to the divine, “yes holy one, i chose love. and if my stance for equality is a huge big sin punishable by death in the lake of fire, (unlikely as i do not believe in hell as a place) it will be worth it, because i followed my conscience, that was given to be by g*d
this i believe, is the way of the divine is to stand up for the other and different.
a prayer:
holy one
this was really scary to write, so many of the people i love. really love are not allies. and i may lose them.
i ask lord, that you protect my heart and theirs.
more so, i ask that people take this opportunity to become an alli, even though it is different. i know that you were the one who changed my heart, i know that you knew who i was going to be and who i was going to love before i did. and that it was okay.
i pray for the one in five lgbtqq youth who, this very night are considering talking their life because they can not face going to school tomorrow. please divine one, please protect them, please g*d, i beg you to hold them close. love them. bring people into their lives who will support and defend and love them. please, show all your followers the way of love.

amen, ashe` and may it be so

it is good to share, be my guest!

My Scary Dream.

last night i had a nightmare.
in my dream, i was in bed. in a fetal position with my hands clutched together.
i was awake in my dream.
but i could not move.
i could not communicate, or open my eyes.
i was utterly and completely trapped in my body.
it was not sleep paralysis, i have had that before,  where you area awake, but your body is still asleep. that was NOT my dream.
i cried out, The Head  and Princess woke me up. HA! you should have seen their faces.
but i learned something from my nightmare. it made me think of what it would be like to be paralysed, in a chronic vegetative state, have a stroke, be at the end stages of ALS or MS.
there is a term for it:
Locked in syndrome
check out the wikki:


only in my dream, i was also blind.
when i woke up later i told The Head about my dream.
i made him promise~ pinky~swear that if i ever EVER was in such a state, that he would let me go.
and i him.
shit, that reminds me. we should get our advance directive and living wills done and put in a safe place.
you should too.


what scary dreams have you had that made you do something in your life differently?