First I went to my Dr Office where I saw the new PA for the second time. I do not like her AT ALL. She likes to talk about all the scary things that can be wrong with you, IE; when I saw her a few weeks ago for a UTI. I knew I had the UTI as well, one usually knows right? And I bought a pee test at Walgreens. My Dr was not in the office that week and she would not give me a script over the phone. So I went in. peed on her stick BOOM! Purple! She then begins to go through my whole chart asking about every drug, every diagnosis and what not. Using big words bla bla bla. So finely she lets me go with the caveat that I CAME BACK IN TWO WEEKS COZ SOME OF THESE UTIS ARE DRUG RESENTANT! OH MYYYYYYYYYYYY! I even make the appointment in the office cuz SHE IS STANDING RIGHT FEKKEN THERE! Then when I was waiting for my drugs, I called and canceled the appointment.

So yesterday she is all up in my grill about my leg and I am answering the best I can AND I told her that I had been diagnose by the DRs Facebook and Google. (She did not think that was funny. DUDES that is halar!) and once again is trying to get some pulse off my ankle and once again used some big word ” I am having a hard time finding the ajsiksdhfkjiyyeorsohrdgs pulse in your FOOT!” she then rights on a prescription pad to go get a scan of my leg STAT. and tells me that I am BAD cuz I did not get a physical in the last two years and IF I HAD SHE WOULD BE ABLE TO GIVE ME A DIOGNOSES!”

Then she finely gives me a script to get a scan and tells me to start taking aspirin every day from NOW ON! So I get home. I take an aspirin and call the head, he says that this PA is, well, let’s just say “bless her heart!” and he will come home earlier and I will drive up to Oregon Health & Science University (OHSU) and go to the ER. But first Portland Waldorf has a game so I wanna go! By the time it is 4:30 my leg is really hurting, so I call the head and asks him to come home and meet me at the school. I had, by the way.  Started dinner, wrapped all of mattz birthday gifts, got him a cake and tossed in load of laundry.

So The Head gets at the school we switch cars and I start to dive his car up the hill to OHSU and call H, who offers to meet me there. Cool. I like that. So I get up there and I have not eaten’ cuz well, who has time and what if they are gunna have to amputate my leg? Right? It could happen. I get there and it is slammed. Now please note OHSU also has a psych ward. And oh lordy, is this ER chock full of very interesting people (bless their hearts) and this is all most fun! I had my surgery there so I am in the system and get my little sticker wrist thingy right away. OH YEAH! I gave the intake nurse the script and I think, I saw her ROLL HER EYES. In the meantime K, Is getting the play by play via text, of the ER and then H, comes in so I introduce her to everyone. And we wait. And wait and wait. People walk out in a huff, fun. Then we get called in to the tree-ahge nurse, I give her the script and I think I see her ROLL HER EYES, she does all the stuff, my vits, bla bla bla.  Then tell us she is sorry but that it will be a while, they try to get to people in order they came in but sometimes people are really sick at which point I tell her, ” you do not need to apologize, cuz this is an ER and Trauma, and yeah I know we will have to wait, and can she please take the scary ” there are bed bugs on my shirt guy after me cuz, well he is really entertaining” ok I did not say THAT.

H and I wait and wait and wait. Then we get called in to go to my room and holy balls people, that ER is HUGE, they should really give all the staff Segway’s so they can get around. We get to my room and tell the nurse I have to pee, and shall I get a specimen? Sure she says! So I pee in the cup, come back and they have gown for me, I have never been asked to change into a gown at an ER. But H.  Asked if I can keep on my really sexy granny panties and big supper sexy black bra and I can. Go ME! Then this adorable guy comes in, he is an EMT in training, is it ok if he trains on me? Sure! Did I tell you he was just as cute as can be? The EMT in training tells me he is going to give me an IV, for meds and if they are going to do a scan that they will need to put the dye stuff in me. Ok cool, I see lots of DR’s and everyone is so nice. I show the script to the resident, and she ROLLS HER EYES. She looks and touches my leg, bla bla bla. OH WAIT! I FORGOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING! When the sweet, adorable paramedic trainee gave me my IV, he did it perfect, I did not feel the needle. and even said “good job!” but when he was getting ready to take the six gallons of blood, he did something and my blood was spurting all over the room like in CSI, it was RAD. but he remand calm. He did a really really good job of getting blood everywhere. Awesome-sauce. Then we wait but that’s ok cuz H and I like each other so it’s all good. Then the attending pops in to the room and talks to us and I give her the script and SHE ROLLS HER EYES, and give it back to me. In the meantime an ultrasound was ordered so the transport guy comes to take me upstairs. He tells us it will be twenty minutes, and off we go! The girl who did the ultra sound was very nice, very, very through, when she is done, she says, “it looks okay to me, but I have to show the radiologist. I will be right back” then 45 min. later, I shit you not, she comes it and says good luck! I hope you feel better soon!’ when I see H, she says to me “wow! They must have found something! That took a long long time!” and I am all “I knoooowwwwww!”

Then the attending comes in with a big smile and says, “did they tell you” I am like “uh sorta” then she says there is no clot.” and I am like SHIT! I hate it when I go to the ER sure I am gunna die or lose a limb or be 51/50ed and nothing happens. I wasted all that time, took a bed from someone who needs it, insurance will be paying a butt load of money and not one PINNY of was needed. Shit! At this point it is nearly midnight, so we head home, I don’t call home cuz what if the head is sleeping and I do not want to wake him up. So I stop at taco bell cuz I had Fritos for dinner, get home and tell the head all about my day. The moral of the story? I will not see this PA again, she knows just enough to be scary, although I do think someone should tell her that if you hear a hoofs clip clopping up the street, assume it is a heard of HORSES not ZEBRA.

The end.

i forgot to post.

to be fair, i was and am tired.

there is other things to do ya know?

like mothering my  children.

stuff like that.

more later.

but i am here!

the pham and i have been watching old episodes of Mission impossible

the one with Barbara Bain, who i believe might be one of the most beautiful women ever.

i love this show. everything they so is pretty. for example, when they are running from or to the bad guys, they run like they are dancing.

it really looks like a dance, in fact i looked up to see if Martine Landau was a dancer. i do not think he was, but he WAS a magician.  and that is cool.

we are just on episode 11 of the first season.

its on netflex.

you should watch it.

Day 5 of blogging every day

•What’s your favorite Dr. Seuss book?

The Lorax

•If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be?

It is not on a TV series. But I would want to live at Hogwarts. Gryfendore

•What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep?

When was young,  I used to drive up to the Bay Area from Los Angeles to work at the Renn Faire. We would leave late Sunday night, get home early Monday morning and o would go straight to work, work all day then not go to bed till late, soooo  about 26 hours?

•What’s your favorite Barry Manilow song?

“When October Comes” or “Mandy”

•Who’s your favorite Muppet?

Animal! Or maybe Beeker.

•What’s the habit you’re proudest of breaking?

Quitting smoking! Over 13 years now. And yes, I sometimes miss it.

•What’s your favorite Web site?

http://blueberrypancakesfordinner.wordpress.com/

•What’s your favorite school supply?

Crayons

•Who’s your favorite TV attorney?

Judge Judy

•What was your most recent trip of more than 50 miles?

We just drove down to Los Angeles from our home in the PNW. Down and back up is over 2000 miles

•What’s the best bargain you’ve ever found at a garage sale or thrift store?

 I traded some dishes for an American Girl Doll.

•Where were you on September 11, 2001?

In bed, with my 2 year old and 4 month old sons. We were and still do, live on the west coast. I woke up and turned on the TV to get the traffic for the head. I saw the 2ed plane crash into the 2ed tower. I yelled at the head! “Something big is happing it’s a big incident!” I begged him not to go to work that day, he worked in the OC and we lived in Long Beach. He did go to work, but his boss sent everyone home not long after he got there.

•What’s your favorite tree?

oak

•What’s the most interesting biography you’ve read?

Julia Child, hands down. She was the most amazing woman.

•What do you order when you eat Chinese food?

Sweet and Sour Chicken or  Broccoli Beef.

Day 4 of my commitment to blog everyday this year.

Here is todays post>

No much to say tonight.

Goodnight!

*yes, this is the prayer of St.Fransess of Assissi

Malidoma Some’, born to the Dagara of Burkina Faso in Africa, writes in his book Of Waters and the Spirit about the special role of babies in his tribe. Each baby is seen as a spirit who has chosen to take on a body in order to carry out special projects in the world. While the baby is still in the womb, a special ceremony is held where the incoming soul takes on the voice of the mother and answers questions put to it by the priest including where the soul is from, what the gender is and why it has chosen to come here. The most important early relationship a baby will have is with its grandparents who help remind the child of what is said in the womb in order to guide it to fulfilling its purpose. The relationship is equally important to the grand parents who are hungry for the news from the world of spirit where soon they will return; babies are thought to be the purest form of communication from the spiritual world

You do not have to be Dagaran to sense the spirituality emerging from babies, says One Marilyn Atteberry. “Holding my granddaughter, her fingers around my pinkie, her sixteen hour old eyes looking into mine, her mouth making tiny sucking sounds, is feeling her heart of the Divine” Nor do you have to be a grandparent: I remember looking into the still unfocused eyes of my nephew Hayden and wondering whether babies eyes take a awhile to focus on this material world because they are still focusing on the spiritual world they just left, when looking at holding touching or smelling a baby, perhaps all of us sense we are looking at touching and smelling the Divine.

That is from the book: “Thinking outside the Church: 110 Ways to Connect with Your Spiritual Nature” by Jennifer Leigh Selig

Like all woman, becoming a mother changed me, I am not the woman ( or girl ) I was before, like the woman in my reading, I had many ideas about how my life would be, and whom I would become. Things that I thought were true and how that truth has changed. Today I am going to share with you something about my spiritual life as a mother. My story starts when I was 14 years old. I became a born again Christian. Yes, a bible thumping, praying in tongues, evangelizing Christian. (I was a “new believer counselor” for Billy Graham!!!!) My journey for the next 13 years would take me from very conservative churches (girls would always dress modestly in dress or skirts, never EVER pants sang hymns with an organ) to more “contemporary” churches. Where I wore black, lots of eyeliner and yes, wore…PANTS to church or jeans, or even shorts and flip flops. And we sang “praise songs” with guitars and drums!

What I wore at these churches and the music changed, three things did not….that Jesus become sin and died on the cross for me, rose again on the third day, Jesus was the only way to heaven and I was born sinful. I stayed with the church till was 27 years old.

When I left the church I had already realized it was the life of Jesus not his assassination that saved me. (I must admit I am no longer sure about the resurrection part) and I knew that there were many paths to enlightenment or heaven if you will. It was during the next 8 years as I studied many faith traditions (even Catholic, relax folks, it was because of the awesome nun who said that the habit was archaic and on top of that was a pretty buchie Dyke. And she really rocked, I digress) it seemed that most of the religions that I was learning about did not (save for the Catholic Church) teach original sin. It was not till I had my first baby that it occurred to me that the teaching of original sin is wrong. Let me rephrase that, I knew then that I disagreed with it. I went into labor on a Thursday. After 27, some odd hours, the specifics in which I will spare you. I pushed out this being…he came from me! I was surprised! I even asked (M loves to hear this story) “Hay! Where did he come from?” As he was placed on my chest, I was in awe. Here in my arms, nursing at my breast was this new life. He was perfect. His eyes were open and alert, watching everything. We could tell at once that he was an old soul. He seemed to know everything (and thinks he still does!). He was so beautiful. Yes old, but new, pure. He was…..Holy. Like pure gold right out of the refiners fire.

The same was true when C was born…he was also just the most holy being…Faultless.

S-the girl-cub was an unexpected gift, a true miracle. Due to several factors, my pregnancy was very high risk. So I saw a Parinatolgest early. Every two weeks I went in was weighed, BP taken and had an ultrasound. It was so wonderful, so exciting and comforting to see before my very eyes, her grow and develop. When she was born she was a teeny tiny thing, less than 6lbs when we came home. But she was perfect and unblemished.

How on earth anyone could hold a new life and think to themselves “this is a dirty sinner?” and furthermore, when did Jesus ever say that we are born evil and sinful. The fact is he did not, he said the opposite:

Matthew 18:1-4

1 at about the same time, the disciples came to Jesus asking, “Who gets the highest rank in God’s kingdom?”

2-5 for an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, and said, “I’m telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you’re not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God’s kingdom. What’s more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it’s the same as receiving me.”

Here is another one:

Mark 10:13-16(The Message)

13-16The people brought children to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. The disciples shooed them off. But Jesus was irate and let them know it: “Don’t push these children away. Don’t ever get between them and me. These children are at the very center of life in the kingdom. Mark this: Unless you accept God’s kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in.” Then, gathering the children up in his arms, he laid his hands of blessing on them.

And one more…

Luke 18:15-17 (The Message)

15-17 People brought babies to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. When the disciples saw it, they shooed them off. Jesus called them back. “Let these children alone. Don’t get between them and me. These children are the kingdom’s pride and joy. Mark this: Unless you accept God’s kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in.”

On a completely primal level, I find myself, in a very real sense worshiping though my children, with the very act of mothering. We knew the girl-cub was going to be our last baby; I made it a point to be very present in every moment I could.

Marget Sanger the founder of Planned Parenthood once said “As often as I have witnessed the miracle, held the perfect creature with its tiny hands and feet, each time I have felt as though I were entering a cathedral with prayer in my heart.”

It was during those early morning nursing’s, when she was very little, I would find myself in a holy place. My little apt would become a cathedral, it would be so quiet, sometimes, I could hear trains in the very distance, the moon would be our only light, beaming though the window. We were “alone”, but there was something else, someone else in that room with us. Sometimes I would imagine it was my father, whom M asked for him to watch over us not long before he died. Maybe it was my grandmother or great grandmother or even great grandmother. But more often I would feel what, I could describe only as the Divine Feminine, The Goddess. The Mother. Some call her Mary or the Blessed One.. In our home we call her “The Lady”

The Lady would sit next to me, reminding me that this terrible, excruciating, exhaustion would soon be gone. That I would feel better soon. That I was doing, G*s work. She would Comfort me, Telling me that no, S would not just arbitrary die, that the boys would be ok. Now I think she would remind me that the chances of my children being kidnapped from just outside their classrooms is almost nil, that E and I have broken the chain of alcoholism and addiction. With me working a strong program of recovery is a huge step towards sobriety for our children.

Unitarian Oliver Wendell Holmes ( are you loving all my name dropping?) once said “The real religion of the world comes from women much more than from men – from mothers most of all, who carry the key of our souls in their bosoms.” –

I am practicing my religion when I am changing diapers and or breastfeeding or holding a hurt child whose sibling had used hands instead of words. Or checking again while they are sleeping to see if they are still breathing listening to the same joke for the elvendly billionth time and still laughing or Cleaning up 3 am barfs ( why is it ALWAYS at 3 am?) wiping noses and tushes whether I am Climbing mount wash more. Or just letting them go ahead and color the walls what the hell right? The wall is just another medium! We like the arts in Waldorf schools and UU churches! I am worshiping when I do not yell when I want to. I am in worship when I do the dishes or cook dinner. Though I must admit that I hold true the wisdom of Phyllis Diller who said “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” —And of course I offer up a sacrifice whilst smiting the very stubborn Oregon ants that keep coming back like a bad rash.

It was during that early time in S’s life, that I started to collect Mary statues, I like the Madonna and child ones, I have some of mother’s breastfeeding, and a few of pregnant woman. I now have several alters in my home that I have made dedicated to mothering and motherhood. They remind me of my 2 am visits with The Lady.

This is my life, my home is my sanctuary, my act of mothering is worship, and prayer and offering and yes there is sacrifice of time and personal space. But the truth is and I believe every mother would agree. This is a short, very short time in my life was just a season. And as seasons do it will pass, more would come and my children would grow and learn and hurt and heal. I believe my life as a mother is a divine calling that my work as a mother and wife was an offering to my children, to G*d and the world…that this works, dare I say “woman’s work” would matter for generations… I am honored to be a wife and mother. But I must say…I must admit look forward to the day when I can pee in peace, eat a meal in a restaurant without chancing a toddler around or even maybe. Sleep a whole night. Oh yeah….it is very hard to write a sermon with a 3 year old. Ask me how I know.

I am going to close with a quote from someone that may surprise you:

David Oman McKay (September 8, 1873 – January 18, 1970) was the ninth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church), serving from 1951 until his death. Ordained an apostle and member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in 1906, McKay was a general authority for nearly sixty-four years, longer than anyone else in LDS Church history. (I LOVE Wikipedia)

The noblest calling in the world is that of mother. True motherhood is the most beautiful of all arts, the greatest of all professions. She who can paint a masterpiece or who can write a book that will influence millions deserves the plaudits and admiration of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters whose immortal souls will be exerting an influence throughout the ages long after paintings shall have faded, and books and statues shall have been destroyed, deserves the highest honor that man can give.-

May it be so and blessed be.

I have been touched by your story.

I have been really impressed by your courage.

Keep talking.

Keep sharing your story.

I know that people will bust your balls for doing it

Some of them will be your brothers and sisters in the program

Tell them to kiss your ass!

And talk LOUDER!

Talk more!

Maybe even start a blog………?

It is the secrets and the silence that is so dangerous.

That is what ruins childhoods

and marriages

and lives.

People need to hear it.

Men need to hear it, so many men will get the courage to leave or get help because of you.

But more than that. Your children, your children will know that you protected them. Over the years one of the many things that i have found in common with other adult children of alcoholic is the feeling of not being protected by the sober parent.

It did not seem to matter if the sober parent was in recovery or not.

If they did not keep an abusive alcoholic away from us?

We remembered that!

You see, my mother did not protect my sister and i.

I believe she did the best she could.

I do!

However, i can remember times when she sat on the couch while my father would yell and scream horrible things to us.

At times she would participate in it.

Hell, a good amount of the time she was crazier then him!

Yes, It is very hard to take away children from their mother, even temporally. But i promise you that your girls will thank you. hell, the first morning they wake up from a full, safe, nightmare free night, with smiles on their faces? (maybe even in their own beds) although, i must say, that co-sleeping is not a bad idea right now, but that is another blog post.

you will KNOW you have done the right thing. 

And if losing her babies gets their mom clean and sober? bonus!

Oh yeah, if you have not yet, get thee to an Al-Anon meeting.

And get an Al-Anon sponsor!

Yes, we can be a whiny bunch, and yes, we can be a glum lot. But we have all been there and done that. Sometimes over and over again! I have been working a 12 step program for 34 years now. I know what the hell i am talking about.

The PDX has great Al-Anon meetings.

http://www.al-anonportlandoregon.org/

Chock full of double winners!

By the way, daddy never found recovery.

We forgave each other a long time ago.

The program helped that happen.

Mom has not found recovery either, but when daddy died she seemed to feel free, i think.

I have also forgiven her.

Well, to be honest, that might have something to do with the fact i left her in Southern California, but what ever works, eh?
thanks for being brave and real and keeping your babies safe.

you are a really good daddy.

ODAT,

Blue Berry.